21 Day Challenge

If you can’t feed a hundred people, then feed just one. Mother Theresa
Being inspired to give back is a timely subject today as the holiday season approaches and Monday December 1st is World Aids Day.  Charities such as The Stephen Lewis Foundation ask people to consider donating a day’s wages to the cause.
Today’s question is How can we make a contribution inspires us, serves others and doesn’t exacerbate our day to day stress.  People who are happy tend to do volunteer work, people who are burnt out tend to do volunteer work. So what gives? Giving back offers immeasurable benefits but it can also be an added source of stress for people who spend too much of their time helping others. An imbalance occurs that the body tries to rectify, often the body redresses this imbalance by creating a serious health concern which can hamper a person’s ability to work at all (stress leaves are dramatically on the rise).

Most of my coaching clients are in the helping industry (including nurses, counsellors/counselors, social workers, family lawyers, or students in these professions).  Helping others seems to be built into their DNA and most of them strongly value volunteer work.

When a helper wants to journey toward healing the wounds of vicarious trauma, compassion fatigue or burnout we look closely at all the areas of his/her life where trauma is the subject.  Many helpers volunteer in the same area that they do their paid work, for example, consider the shelter worker who volunteers for a sexual assualt crisis line on the weekends.  She also cares for young children and aging parents.  As part of the work we do together I might ask a client in this position to consider scaling back volunteer efforts in the short term so the healing can begin and she can regain her sense of hope and contribution.

This doesn’t mean that your efforts to change the world need to cease, perhaps just re-directed.  How about finding a new and interesting way to contribute?  There are so many possibilities, what about doing something completely different then what you do for paid work.  How about helping out in a classroom like my friend Elspeth does with www.seedsofempathy.org or become a “whoofer” and work on an organic farm www.wwoof.org or adopt a child through an organization like www.worldvision.ca, join the food drive once or twice a year and take your family with you rather than spending your evenings volunteering all year.  I make a charitable donation each time I take on a new client and for holiday gifts ask for donations to a cause we believe in.

The message is about balance and wellness, take care of yourself and then take care of others.  Yes just like the oxygen mask on the airplane, it is an overused analogy but a good one.  If you are travelling with a child and the oxygen masks need to be used you must put yours on first so that you have the energy to help your small companion.

In what ways are you inspired to give back?  How can you celebrate the contributions you have already made to making this world a better place?  Don’t forget about the love and support you offer in your own small circle, every act of kindness is a charitable act.

If you want to read more about what research shows makes people happy try this fantastic book by Martin Seligman. All proceeds from any book sales generated from my site or my blog are donated to www.stephenlewisfoundation.org

Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment

Its not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it. - Hans Selye

You might be wondering, why are most of these posts about stress if the 21 day challenge is about setting and reaching goals?  It’s because the number 1 reason people give for not being successful is …. you guessed it, STRESS. 

So finding ways to reduce stress and increase our stress relieving and resiliency strategies will help us reach our important goals that are often left to linger on the back burner.  One way my stress was relieved today came in the form of an email and an act of kindness.  A client typed out the quote I was looking for from her own copy of “the little book of stress relief”.  And so in order to pay that act of kindness forward I will include it here in this post. 

First, what if our bodies were programmed to withstand or experience a set number of stress reactions over our lifetime, and when we exceeded that number, our bodies would be overwhelmed and pack it in and die? The idea has a certain logic to it. Think of a car motor. After a certain number of piston thrusts, motors just wear out. It’s not all that big a leap to think that our bodies have a finite capacity as well–after so many heartbeats, so much wear and tear, our time would be up.

The second part of the theory is that each of us has a different capacity to withstand repeated stress–a set number of stress reactions programmed into our bodies. My number might be 281000, yours might be 308000, and so on

Finally, although we each have a finite number of stress reactions, no one knows our own quota. If we accept this theory, it would be smart to ask ourselves which situations warrant the expenditure of one of our precious stress reactions. Say the movie you’re going to is sold out.is that worth using up one of your stress reactions? If your preschooler spills his juice, does that warrant a stress reaction? The world starts to look different if we can choose what we allow to upset us. And that is exactly what we can do! (Pgs 40-41).

One additional bonus this book offers is simply the photo on the cover.  Scenic photos such as this one have been studied by psychologists and shown to have a positive effect on stress level (in that levels decrease).  No time to relax, reduce or become more resilient today?  Spend a few moments looking at this picture and practice your deep breathing. 

Several years ago I read something that forever changed the way I thought about stress.  It took a few more years but this very simple question has continued to have an impact on the way I deal with stress. 

David Posen is a Canadian physician who writes and speaks on the topic of stress and it’s effect on his patients.  The question he asked that had such an impact on me was “what if you only had a set number of stress responses, how would you use them?”.  Say you are allotted a specific number of times that you can tax your body through having a serious stress response before your body develops a serious problem, would you use one of those responses when your child spills juice on the new couch, when a tourist cuts you off on a morning you are running late, when your boss gives you an extra shift during the holidays?  The Little Book of Stress Relief  (I have misplaced my copy, or there would be an amazing quote here…now I need to re-read that organizing post…)

So now when something happens and I can feel my temperature rising, my heart starting to pound and the beads of sweat beginning to form, I try to take a minute and a breath and I ask myself “is this worth it”.  Of course you can choose to say YES and reel yourself right up tight, go for it.  But remember you get to choose whether you call out a five alarm fire or you go for a run, write in your journal or call a supportive friend.  Does it work every time?  Not for me, no way, but did it help?  In the immortal words of Sarah Palin…You betcha.  Give it a try see if it works for you.  With stress reduction and resiliency strategies…every little bit helps.

I had the pleasure of working for the Queen’s Learning Commons for the two months that covered midterms and exams this fall.  www.queensu.ca/qlc  I was “borrowed” from Queen’s counselling to help students get on top of procrastination, make realistic exam schedules, set and make plans for reaching goals and to deal with all of the inevitable stressors that go along with being a student. 

Many students lameted “it was so much easier in high school”.  When I asked “why” the answer was that their parents were around to make sure they were working.  In fact, this reason was used more often than the fact that the material is more advanced and compacted into a shorter period of time.  When a particular client is having trouble getting moving I often provide a very simple yet effective service.  While I don’t play the role of a parent, I do offer to help them be accountable to their immediate goal. 

For example, a client today said that she wanted to start studying for her exam, my favorite strategy for procrastination is hands down to “start now”.  Never never later.  Since she didn’t have her material with her, it meant that she would have to go home first (to a university residence) to get her things that she required to study.  A university residence is ripe with distractions and she feared that she wouldn’t return to the library to work.  I made a simple offer.  Would you like to be able to return to my office to have me witness that you have returned to study?  She said that she loved the idea and you should have seen her face when she knocked on my door at the agreed upon time.  She was glowing and thanked me profusely for the simple and easy service that I provided.  She was proud of herself and had started the journey that is required to break the spell of procrastination, building her confidence by keeping her promises to herself. 

Sometimes this strategy can sound patronizing, but it really works.  It is all in the presentation.  Is there someone who could  be your accountability check in?  Someone to whom you can say “I’m going to do this tomorrow and then I’m going to call you and tell you that its done”.  They are not there to lecture you if you don’t do it or to praise you if you do, they are there to simply be a witness to your success. 

Sometimes our pride or track record of broken promises keeps us from telling others about our goals.  Consider the people you know, is there someone who you could trust to help you be accountable to yourself?

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor”.  Anne Lamott

Lucky 13 and a day where I look ahead at my week.  As I think back on the challenge I realize that the goal has not been perfection but knowledge.  An analysis of what works and what doesn’t, what went well and what could be improved upon.  A SWOT analysis if you like.  While Albert Humphrey may have developed this strategic planning method to help companies move forward it can be useful as we face the final days of our 21 day challenge.  Consider your goals and how you have endeavoured to achieve them.  Pull out your journal or open a new word document and answer these questions, loosely based on the system developed at Stanford University. 

Strengths - What are yours?  How have they been helpful as you tried to do something important?  How could you call upon them even more in the week to come?

Weaknesses - Where have you had difficulty?  Where have you stood in your own way?

Opportunities - What outside events, people, places have been helpful to you?  Are there external resources you could use more fully? 

Threats - What or who has stood in your way?  Are there people in your life who do not want you to achieve your goals?  Are there people or things who seem to sabotage your success?

As you look over your responses what stands out?  If you could choose one small way to move forward what would it be?  How could you use this information to get back on track, stay inspired or make even more progress toward your goal?

“Never too soon to panic”.  S.J. Hepworth

My friend Sheila gets the credit for one of my all time favorite quotes.  It always makes me laugh which is the best stress buster around but it also packs a powerful truth, our stress responses can be engaged pretty fast and they aren’t always helpful!  How you react when something goes wrong in your life can significantly affect your health.

Sooo, a mega giant computer software company bundles software with an item that you install.  Then it  crashes your whole system, disables your email and your ability to read, edit or open any documents with out resorting to a $700.00 software upgrade.  To make matters worse your adorable tech support guy is in China on business and the tiny person he leaves you in charge of, misses him so much she wakes at least an hour early all week and holds a moratorium on napping all together!  This is the kind of situation that usually shows off my superior “fly off the handle” skills.  Through the grace of some divine intervention I opted to shelve my ability to worry, rage and panic and the following surprisingly worked better! 

Take a breath

When you start to feel that familiar stress sensation, heat in the face, heart beat beginning to race, sweat and panic, your thoughts about the situation are engaging your sympathetic nervous system.  The system that protects you from danger (fight or flight).  When this system is engaged it’s as if all of your resources either power down to send more teamsters to the front lines, or rev up in order to deal with the danger.  Deep breathing engages your parasympathetic nervous system which calms the nerves and signals them to return to regular function.  Doing this gives you access to your higher level functioning, like you know, rational thought? 

Talk yourself down

Brainstorm possible solutions to your problem, even if you don’t think they will work or be effective.  When we panic nothing but running or freezing seem like viable options.  Use positive and confident language, “I can figure this out”.  “This seems really bad, but before I lose it, I’m going to see if it can be fixed”.  “Getting more stressed out is not going to help me get through this situation”. 

Seek help

Become a person who looks for someone to help rather than someone to blame.  Justice and punishment are actions that should be left to law enforcers.  Unless you absolutely have no other choice the stress response that goes along with say, seeking out the president of a multi billion dollar software company and suing him for your lost day of work and accompanying emotional distress is like winning more pie in a pie eating contest! 

So I’m back on line, thank you to my friend Chris who never seems to get freaked out when something technical goes wrong and he certainly doesn’t waste his time pointing fingers and assigning blame.  His calm, strategic, problem solving even made me forget I was mad.  Bill who? 

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for it to kill your enemy”.  Nelson Mandela

Yay!  It’s the weekend; let’s slack off, we deserve a break right?  OR we could use the weekend as a time to get revived, rejuvenated and re-motivated!  Instead of thinking of the weekend as a break, consider instead the huge rewards of reaching your goal.  Let’s say your goal is to build in time each week to have a date with yourself.  3 hours just for you, time to think your own thoughts, make your art, play, workout, whatever will re-fill your well.  In fact…a real and lasting break!  A break from feeling exhausted, a break from feeling defeated, a break from feeling like your habits define you, a break from the negative effects of stress. 

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last.  Well, neither does bathing - that’s why we recommend it daily”.  - Zig Zigler

Grab your journal and find a nice clean page.  Make a heading…What will motivate me today?  Free associate, write anything that comes to mind, draw pictures, stick in pages from magazines, write down quotes, song lyrics, book titles, people, anything that you can use to get yourself going again. 

Chose one thing that you can do even for just 10 minutes.  Enjoy your weekend, even if it is not time off, try to find something that you can do that brings you enjoyment that does not interfer with your goal.  We are half way there!  Way to go, see you tomorrow.

 If you don’t want to do something, one excuse is as good as another. Yiddish Proverb

Excuse busting

An excuse is just a justification with evidence?  “I can’t do this today and here are the reasons 1.  no time 2 no energy 3 no help”. 

The dilema

Spending too much time on excuses gives them a lot of power, while not allowing yourself to acknowledge your challenges can leave you feeling unvalidated and silenced.  So when the urge to give into your excuses strikes try injecting a little balance.

Be honest about how you are feeling without drawing a conclusion about what that means

Instead of: I’m too tired to go to the gym tonight

Try: I feel tired and drained and I would love to go to bed

Don’t argue or disagree with yourself, just because it is an excuse doesn’t mean that it isn’t true. 

Instead of: Don’t be ridiculous other people have it much harder, I’m just being lazy.

Try: I am so tired, it was a hard day, I’ll think about how good I’ll feel when I get home from the gym, I’ll probably even have a better sleep

Be compassionatewithout sabatoging yourself

Instead of: This isn’t going to work, I’m too tired after work, this goal is too big, take the night off

Try: I’ll re-assess this goal tomorrow and see if I need to make a change, but for tonight I’ll get myself all ready to go, change into my workout clothes, drive to the gym, go inside and if I’m still really too tired to work out I’ll get myself a hot tea and read my book in a cafe for 1/2 an hour

Respect the power of your mind

“Whether you believe you can or you can’t you are right”.  Henry Ford  

“We can do anything we want to do if we stick to it long enough”.  Helen Keller

I hope you took a bit of a break yesterday because it’s a new week and time to get excited about your goal again.  Need a little extra help getting motivated keep reading?  We have almost been at it a week so for most people it is time for a new surge of motivation, an added push. 

And what a push it is!  What do you get when you mix Yale University professors, an interactive website and the concepts of public accountability and tough consequences?  www.stickk.com is not your average get a goal, read newsletters, kind of site.  It has an added kicker which I think is really clever.  Based on 2 solid principles of behaviour economics which are 1) people don’t always do what they say they will do and 2) incentives get people going, stickk is designed to give you the motivation you need to succeed. 

Now you might be asking; “What do you mean consequence”?  Well I’m glad you asked, have a look at their site but here is a run down of the basic principles.  

You set your goal, decide whether to make your goal public to site users, or to specific people you want to invite to check in on your progress, you log in and write about whether or not you have done what you said you would do, and get this, you can assign a certain amount of money to be donated to a charity or here is the risky part, you can design the program so that your money will be donated to what they call an anti charity if you do not keep your promise to yourself. 

The added kicker?  They already have your money, if you decide to set financial stakes you pay up front!  Now that’s SMART.  Want to know more?  Check them out at https://www.stickk.com/  Here is what they say about themselves. 

Ready to finally stickK to your commitments? Then stand up, and put your reputation, or even your money, where your mouth is, and change your life. Reap the rewards of your hard work.

This sounds like free coaching?

It has a lot of the same benefits!  So if you are on the fence about whether or not to try coaching, or you are worried about the expense why not try this first?