Coaching

****UPDATE****Email issues resolved.  For future reference, if you send me an email and don’t hear from me in 24-48 hours please send a follow up email to robin@lifeinspired.ca  Thanks for your patience while I worked this out.  Keep writing!  R

I am having some technical difficulties with my email.  A few of you have been in touch to say that you sent an email in the past 2 weeks and I didn’t respond.  If you are trying to reach me, send an email to me at robin@lifeinspired.ca rather than using the contact page of my site.  The marvelous James, from Pointy Design is helping me to figure out the problem and if I know him, things will be sorted out soon but just in case it takes a few days I wanted to put the word out.

If you have sent an email and not received a response try me again or call my office at 613.531.5100 to leave a confidential voice mail.  I will get back to you within 24 hours, cross my heart.  Thank you to F.M. and B.H. who know me well enough to realize that if I didn’t respond to an email there was a problem, o.k. maybe I have an email obsession, but thank you just the same.   My sincerest apologies, r

Hare you read “A complaint Free World: How to stop complaining and start enjoying the life you always wanted”?  I read about it a few months ago in a magazine and knew I had to have it.  Will Bowen, a minister weaves his own relationship with complaining into a 21 day challenge which you can read about here www.acomplaintfreeworld.org

He uses an approach that we rely on in coaching, the scientifically tested belief that it takes 21 days to form a new habit.  Complaining, like nail biting or binge eating is a habit.  Last weekend I met a Syrian woman who described what she missed most about her homeland;  “even people who have nothing are happy” she mused.  While she didn’t seem the type to complain, the juxtaposition between her people and the rich women she meets every day at the spa hung in the air between us.  I couldn’t help but count my many blessings as I considered her profound comments.  I wondered how the most financially successful countries in the world by and large have the unhappiest people.  Could a movement like the one Will Bowen supports make a difference?  My answer to that is why not?  What have we got to loose?

There are three basic no no’s.  NO complaining, NO criticizing and NO gossiping.  He outlines what he means by those terms in the book, he suggests that you never say anything about someone that you would not say to their face, (I’m afraid you’ll need a more specific goal if you are always saying crummy things to people, hey I would tell her to her face that she looks fat in those pants so …).  

Have you ever noticed that sometimes you have the urge to “one up” someone who is complaining?  Or maybe you know someone who can’t seem to resist saying “oh you think you have it hard listen to this…”?  The book has the following to say about wanting to win the complaining competition.

“This victory comes with prizes such as unhappy relationships rife with melodrama, health challenges, money worries, and an abundance of other issues”. 

If you do want to get involved you can use the address above to place an order and his volunteers will send you a bracelet (similar to the “live strong” bracelet) to support your progress, you are to move the bracelet to the other arm if you complain and keep doing so until you make it 21 days.  Although you can use an elastic, a watch, a hair band or any item that inspires you to change your life!

For myself, I’m still working on making it 21 days, my only “complaint” hahaha, is that I keep losing my bracelet, but changing that habit is for another post. 

May you be inspired today to start towards a goal that moves you.

If you have any interest in the field of coaching you will have come across sites that offer ”am I ready for coaching” tests.  Being a person who loves inventories and tests I wanted to have one too.  But then I realized that people who call me have already self selected as being ready for coaching, at least in my mind.  When you are paying out of pocket and taking time from a very busy schedule to work on personal or career goals you are probably ready for coaching.  From time to time I have clients who do not have goals that they can articulate, but that is part of my job, to help them identify what would make their lives more meaningful.  There are however a few things that you can do to make coaching more effective. 

Many people I work with have never had coaching or counselling over the phone and prior to starting my coaching practice I had only done face to face work.  I thought it would be a huge adjustment, but I realized that it wasn’t, probably because I didn’t change anything.  I still use my office, I dress for work (no bunny slippers), I don’t roll my eyes or make faces at myself in the mirror while I’m on a call, I don’t finish my lunch, in fact I don’t do anything while I’m working on a call that I wouldn’t do during a face to face session. 

So that’s me, but here are a few ideas to help you get the most out of your session.   

1.  Can you hear me now?  Find a quiet place where you can speak freely, turn off music or other background noise and mute any other phones, email notices etc.  If you can manage to use a land line you may have a clearer call as I often use a headset so that I can take detailed notes for you. 

2.  Are you talking to me?  Minimize or prevent interuptions.  It is much harder to focus if you are also trying to keep the dog and the cat from killing each other, helping with homework or unloading the dishwasher.  This is your time, honour it in the same way you would if you had an appointment in your coach’s office. 

3.  Take note!  A coaching journal is really helpful, either a notepad or on your computer.  Have it handy for sessions.  There may be things that come up for you that you want to jot down or even keep just to yourself.  Of course you are welcome to share your thoughts with me, but for some clients it is nice to have the option to record private thoughts and feelings, while we are still getting to know one another. 

It may be over used, but the adage, “you will get as much out as you put in” is very true in this case.  If you just want to chat while caring for your kids at home, or you want to learn something cool, call a friend or listen to podcasts on your favorite subjects.  Hey, it’s free and no one is going to make you do a test to see if you are ready! 

O.K. let’s just get this over with, the first post on a brand new blog on a brand new website.  Drumming my fingers and procrastinating isn’t getting it written any faster.  Writers block isn’t what I have, I write a lot, in fact I love to write, it’s publishing block that I suffer from. 

I write today with a long time “friend” and companion, call her my inner critic, my gremlin, but whatever you call her, she is a genius at pointing out flaws and coming up with worst case scenarios.  She chatters and whispers and sometimes yells complaints, criticisms and worries.  If they gave out medals for pointing out potential problems, I’m not saying she could take the gold but she would have a pretty good shot at the podium.  Hold on, she is yelling that I spelled that wrong.  But I have a spell checker I growl back, still she says, you should learn how to spell.  O.k. I digress, another thing that she’ll harass me about later. 

Why is this important enough to write about?  Most of the clients I work with, in both coaching and counselling, at some point get tangled up in the negative chatter of their own inner critics.  Many of my clients have cruel, demanding, punitive inner critics, others suffer from critics who are always fearful, while others face a constant and critical analysis of everything they do and say.  People arrive to coaching exhausted from fighting, some decide it isn’t worth fighting because the critic is right or too strong or worse they don’t even notice the critic, they just believe that is how they think!

There are lots of great strategies for taming the inner critic, befriending the inner critic, doing whatever would serve you best, you may have to try many until you find some that work.  Here are a few of my favorites. 

1.  Expose him/her:  write down everything that little critter says for an hour, a day, a week, whatever you can manage.  Most critics like to live in the dark where they can be their most creepy, intimidating selves.  Think of the Great and Powerful Oz, he was so scary behind that curtain. 

2.  Try not to argue with the critic, he/she has a lot of experience of getting the better of you, the critic probably isn’t the most rational of your inner resources anyway.  Scientists have also discovered that as we become stressed our IQ actually drops about 10 points.  Talk about an unfair advantage for the critic!  (See The Brain that Changes itself by Norman Doidge, M.D.) 

3.  Figure out what the critic really wants.  This is how many of my clients discovered that their nagging, sneering, demeaning critic, was actually just really scared that the sky was going to fall.  Every decision that they try to make is seen as a possible end to the world.  This type of critic may be like a very young child, if a child said to you “I think that a monster is going to come out from under my bed tonight”, you likely wouldn’t run screaming from the room yelling, A MONSTER, A MONSTER, OMG, IT’S COMING TO GET US.  You would comfort your youngster.  Sometimes this works with the critic.  In fact, for some, a critic can become a trusted resource, but only when asked to provide advice on subjects they know something about.  For example, “critic, make me a list of all the possible reasons that my new business could fail”. 

4. Consider the source.  Just like in strategy number 3, we often take advice from people without really checking out their credentials.  For example, when getting ready for a blind date, does your great aunt Murtle really know “what all the young people are wearing these days”?  Hey maybe she does, way to go Aunt Murtle!  Put your critic through a credential check, if the critic really won’t settle down, seek out someone who does know something about what you are setting out to do. 

Finally, this blog is a tribute to what inspires us, what motivates us to change, what helps us get through the hard times.  The more I focus my attention on these things, the less my little critic has to say.  Although she will always wish that I was a better speller. 

If you are interested in more on the critic try:

Taming your Gremlin by Rick Carson.  It’s a great, lighthearted little book that can bring you serious results.  He also has a cool website www.tamingyourgremlin.com

The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron (no relation, but a fantastic book)  She also has a site with some nifty tools.  www.theartistsway.com

Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott.  There are lots of great books out there about how to be a better writer, but this is by far my favorite.  Anne’s sense of humour about the process and her self depreciating way of looking at her struggles and flaws makes her intensely likable.