Coaching

On any given day my Inner Mean Girl can wax poetic about her favourite topic “the trouble with you is…” and you never really know what will set her off.  She has a P.hD in my faults and she knows how to hit where it hurts.

Is the secret to lasting happiness and success to banish her from existence?  If it were only that easy, I doubt I would have a job.  In my “now” 40 years I have begun to embrace her albeit bristly form of protection and consider that she means well, her delivery sucks, but in the end she is usually looking out for me.  What she doesn’t realize is that after the gawky teen years I didn’t care as much about looking like a fool and words like stupid and loser had lost some of their punch.  Don’t get me wrong she still has her ways!

All of my clients have Inner Mean Girls and Inner Mean Dudes/guys; some of us have a whole corporation of inner parts whose only role is to find fault and point it out at the worst possible times!  Many of them initially resist any effort to tame, befriend, reform or stop listening to this fierce inner critic as deep down inside they believe that without the military criticism they wouldn’t have it in them to be successful, or even get out of bed in the morning.  But what we must consider is that the very belief that without the critic we would be doomed to failure is usually just another mean inner voice.

When we listen to our intuition, or our deepest wisest self, it doesn’t honestly say things like “oh wow, your job is hard, you should quit and lie on the couch for 3 months and eat chips, gain 100 pounds, stop taking care of yourself and your family”.  But it might say “o.k. this job doesn’t seem to be getting better, in fact things are getting worse for you.  What do you need so that you can feel supported to find something that will work better?:  This inner voice is the good parent, not the abusive parent, not the toxic parent, but also, not the permissive parent.  The trouble is that many of my clients don’t have a reference for this good parent.  They may have had well meaning parents, but often they did not receive the guidance that they needed and part of our job is to create a powerful internal support system that can see them through the good, the bad and the ugly.

Have you ever come across a product or a book that made you wish so hard that you had thought of it yourself?  That is how I felt when I came across the inspired work of Christine Arylo and Amy Ahlers – master coaches & co-founders of Inner Mean Girl Reform School.

I was so touched by their work I signed up for their Inner Mean Girl Reform School 40 day cleanse.  The first call was lead by SARK and it was so cool.  If you are interested here is the link.  I’m so taken with this idea I might even become a Self love ambassador…o.k. I’m sure that isn’t as kinky as it sounds.

If you want to try it for yourself click here.  But if you do; I hope your inner mean girl enjoys her transformation into a top notch supporter; or her holiday to Alcatraz!

You know you are a gardener when...

I was at a friends house last week and while I waited for her to open the door I found myself weeding her front garden.  Now that might not sound so strange to you but I spent most of my life telling people that I had a black thumb, meaning that I could kill a plan just by looking at it.

Every time Francoise (www.compassionfatigue.ca) and I ran a workshop on Vicarious trauma, self care and burnout, when we got to the part where we had the group brainstorm ways to take good care of themselves at least half of the group would mention gardening.  Like a good facilitator I nodded and smiled and wrote it down, all the while thinking…WHAT??  How could anyone want to do that after a long day at work?

Finally after years of letting the lovely garden that came with my house (Francoise’s old house) fallow and grow into something that could only be seen in a story about Sleeping Beauty, I started with one 2×2 area to plant some herbs.  While I couldn’t garden, I did love to cook.  Wow, you would think I had invented a cure for world hunger by the way I could work that herb garden into almost every conversation.  Wow, that reminds me of last night when I was picking fresh basil from my herb garden.  Or did you know that planting mint near the house keeps ants away?

Seriously…so this year seeing the fruits of my labour last spring and fall burst their dear little heads from my weedy yet well mulched soil has me thinking.  Of course helping professionals love to garden, we can actually see the benefit of our hard work!  While there are set backs like virulent weeds, slugs, bugs, inclement weather, partial shade, squirrels, you can triumph and through back breaking hard work, sweat, luck and sometimes in the case of my roses, neglect, manage to see success and beauty in a way that sometimes doesn’t come through our work.

Thank you to all of you who for 10 years held up gardening as the dominant self care ritual.  And all along I thought it was a massage.  Until I realized that massage therapists love to talk to me about their own compassion fatigue, but that is another post.  The silence and beauty of my garden is a prayer and a blessing, thank you thank you thank you.

I happened to catch Dr. Jane Goodall on John Stewart.  She was talking about how to get the next generation interested in stewardship.  What an inspiration.  Check out her Roots and Shoots program.  www.rootsandshoots.org

Keeping yourself inspired and linked into good things happening around the world is good protection against occupational hazards like Compassion Fatigue, Vicarious Trauma and Cumulative Stress.  Those of us who work with people who have experienced terrible pain need to continually remind ourselves of the positive aspects of humanity and the resilience of the human spirit.

“I feel like I’m on auto pilot – unconsciously going through the motions of my work and my life”.

“I have nothing left to give when I come home to my family. I am always rushing, I am always falling short and I loose my temper so easily and then spend the rest of the night feeling guilty”.

“I want to start my own business but I’m so burnt out from my current work that I never make the time”.

“I used to love my job but now I keep getting caught up in negative office politics and feel like I’m lost in a toxic workplace”.

“I’ve lost confidence in my ability to help others and have lost hope in people’s ability to change”.

“I hate my job but feel trapped and too exhausted to try anything new”.

“How can I help others if I feel so lost myself”

If you recognize yourself in any of the statements above you may be suffering from complications of burnout, which are a result of unrelenting and continual stress. If you are in the helping professions you may have the added dimension of compassion fatigue and/or vicarious trauma.

We spend a great deal of our time at work. Once you include commuting time, and the proliferation of electronic means of contact, such as blackberry’s, pagers, cell phones, email, we rarely “turn off” our work mode and consequently have much less down time.

Speaking of down time, we even work while on vacation. While the numbers vary, as many as 1 in 2 workers check their work voice mail and email while on vacation. Lay offs, downsizing, fewer federal dollars, all add up to more work being done by fewer people. Nearly 1 in 3 Canadians have reported most workdays to be “quite” or “extremely stressful”. MOST workdays! So what does that mean?

Work related stress, career strain, work/life imbalance, compassion fatigue, occupational hazards, occupational pressures, vicarious trauma, burnout; no matter what you call it there are serious side effects if left untreated. Chronic stress leads to physical, emotional and psychological symptoms. (See Coaching page for a list of symptoms).

I work with my clients to reduce current stress inputs, to implement realistic stress relief strategies and to enhance their stress resiliency in order to make them more resistant to future occurrences of burnout.

The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it. ~Attributed to both Jim Goodwin and Sydney J. Harris

My family on Long Beach, BC

Have you heard the saying “A change is as good as a rest?”.  This weekend I found that to be totally true.  We spent a lovely night in Peterborough, Ontario.  Our daughter was able to spend the night with her grandparents which is pretty much akin to a spa visit for her, she comes back clean, well rested and happy, and we had a glorious night out, enjoying great food, fine wine and 54-40.  Yes you got it, come on, you remember, “Every time I look at you I go blind”.

If I could have tweeted and added a picture you would have seen yours truly dancing on stage like it was 1992!  Seriously, it was too much fun, but sadly it isn’t 1992, so that meant we made it back to our lovely bed and breakfast in time to fall asleep in front of Saturday night live, the shame!

Even one night away, walking unfamiliar city blocks, enjoying new restaurants and sleeping in a new place (and of course not walking up early to the demands of an enthusiastic toddler, was a very restorative experience.

Highlights:

The 2004 Rioja and the tapas at Elements on King

The catfish at Hot Belly Mama’s on George street

All the seeing and being seen at Kubo Lounge (and I got to try a Lebanese red, very nice)

The King Bethune Guest House and Spa

Throw in a free zoo, complete with great play areas, splash park and monkeys and I’m thinking this city at the base of the Kawartha’s is a total gem.

The term balance is getting a lot of play these days.  Attaining the perfect balance has practically become an Olympic event and about as attainable too.  I remember a time when you could admit you were stressed and people would be sympathetic, now I find that there is a subtle or not too subtle lecture that emerges, “you’re doing too much” or “you need to find better balance”.  So what’s the deal?

It is April and at the University and to put it mildly it’s a big month, it is not the time of the year when I recommend “striking a healthy balance” to my clients.  They are job seeking, saying goodbye to friends, dealing with family pressures, completing huge projects and trying to prepare for exams.  My motto for April is “Eat, Sleep, Breath”  (Thank you to Brenda M for this life line).

Balance is a relationship between our lives and our health, in order for the relationship to be healthy and fulfilling, it needs attention and respect but can not require constant nurturing.  Hey, if you can do that, excellent, but for most of us it just isn’t practical to tell a child that this is not her week to get sick. So how can we attract a better balance?  Here are a few ideas.

1.  Do your best.  What absolutely needs to be attended to today, this week, this month? Prioritize one personal goal, make it small and manageable.  (10 minute walk 3 times this week, buy a bag of apples and eat one every day on the way to work, say no to one thing that you don’t want to do, read one chapter of a book you have been eager to read). [click to continue...]

Since 1999 I have been working with University students, helping them deal with various issues including; school/life balance, 1/4 life crisis, managing stress and anxiety, dealing with body and mood related issues and helping them find their first jobs.

The amount of stress faced by a college/university student these days is unbelievable.  This stress compared to the cultural idea that being a student is a breeze means that students often feel like their problems are not taken very seriously which can lead to further feelings of isolation and despair.

While my clients at the University are all different, there are themes that come up again and again, and I thought I would try to create a resource of articles and strategies in a section of this blog for students who are feeling like something needs to change.  If there is something you would like me to post about please send an email with your question to robin@lifeinspired.ca and I’ll do my best to either write about it myself or refer you to a good resource.

Wishing you much joy and a fulfilling life beyond school.

This is my most cherished hope for my clients, that through our work they will believe in the impossible again.  Most of my clients are in the helping professions and begun their work with a version of this dream “to make the world a better place”.  Coping with economic downturns, dealing with clients in grip of hopelessness and chronic crisis, and facing their own disillusionment with the helping field, has pushed many of them further from this dream. 

Becoming inspired again is often the goal they bring to our sessions.  This inspired me this morning and I wanted to share it with you. 

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/hans_rosling_reveals_new_insights_on_poverty.html

Do you ever find that time away from home is as much a vacation from yourself as it is a vacation from your work?  On a recent vacation to the mountains of Alberta I found myself reading more and thinking less. 

Three things that I love about being away from home. 

1.  I don’t watch tv

2.  I pay close attention to nature

3.  I check my email and cell once a day at the most

These are all things that I could bring home with me.  I’m going to use this picture as inspiration.  What three things do you like best about yourself on vacation?  How could you bring those home with you?