21 Day Challenge

 Simplify, simplify.  Henry David Thoreau

Is there a way that you can simplify your own goal on a day that you need rest?  Break up your 30 minute walk into 10 minute segments, do yoga with your little one, take time out to watch a funny movie. 

It has been such a busy week and I have been surprisingly successful with some of my goals so I decided to give myself permission to “phone in” today’s blog.  Basically to cheat a little today, take the easy way out, you know, make it really simple.  I thought I would just send you to my friend Francoise’s blog, check her out at http://compassionfatiguesolutions.blogspot.com/  [click to continue...]

If you can’t feed a hundred people, then feed just one. Mother Theresa
Being inspired to give back is a timely subject today as the holiday season approaches and Monday December 1st is World Aids Day.  Charities such as The Stephen Lewis Foundation ask people to consider donating a day’s wages to the cause.
Today’s question is How can we make a contribution inspires us, serves others and doesn’t exacerbate our day to day stress.  People who are happy tend to do volunteer work, people who are burnt out tend to do volunteer work. So what gives? Giving back offers immeasurable benefits but it can also be an added source of stress for people who spend too much of their time helping others. An imbalance occurs that the body tries to rectify, often the body redresses this imbalance by creating a serious health concern which can hamper a person’s ability to work at all (stress leaves are dramatically on the rise).

Most of my coaching clients are in the helping industry (including nurses, counsellors/counselors, social workers, family lawyers, or students in these professions).  Helping others seems to be built into their DNA and most of them strongly value volunteer work.

When a helper wants to journey toward healing the wounds of vicarious trauma, compassion fatigue or burnout we look closely at all the areas of his/her life where trauma is the subject.  Many helpers volunteer in the same area that they do their paid work, for example, consider the shelter worker who volunteers for a sexual assualt crisis line on the weekends.  She also cares for young children and aging parents.  As part of the work we do together I might ask a client in this position to consider scaling back volunteer efforts in the short term so the healing can begin and she can regain her sense of hope and contribution.

This doesn’t mean that your efforts to change the world need to cease, perhaps just re-directed.  How about finding a new and interesting way to contribute?  There are so many possibilities, what about doing something completely different then what you do for paid work.  How about helping out in a classroom like my friend Elspeth does with www.seedsofempathy.org or become a “whoofer” and work on an organic farm www.wwoof.org or adopt a child through an organization like www.worldvision.ca, join the food drive once or twice a year and take your family with you rather than spending your evenings volunteering all year.  I make a charitable donation each time I take on a new client and for holiday gifts ask for donations to a cause we believe in.

The message is about balance and wellness, take care of yourself and then take care of others.  Yes just like the oxygen mask on the airplane, it is an overused analogy but a good one.  If you are travelling with a child and the oxygen masks need to be used you must put yours on first so that you have the energy to help your small companion.

In what ways are you inspired to give back?  How can you celebrate the contributions you have already made to making this world a better place?  Don’t forget about the love and support you offer in your own small circle, every act of kindness is a charitable act.

If you want to read more about what research shows makes people happy try this fantastic book by Martin Seligman. All proceeds from any book sales generated from my site or my blog are donated to www.stephenlewisfoundation.org

Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment

Its not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it. - Hans Selye

You might be wondering, why are most of these posts about stress if the 21 day challenge is about setting and reaching goals?  It’s because the number 1 reason people give for not being successful is …. you guessed it, STRESS. 

So finding ways to reduce stress and increase our stress relieving and resiliency strategies will help us reach our important goals that are often left to linger on the back burner.  One way my stress was relieved today came in the form of an email and an act of kindness.  A client typed out the quote I was looking for from her own copy of “the little book of stress relief”.  And so in order to pay that act of kindness forward I will include it here in this post. 

First, what if our bodies were programmed to withstand or experience a set number of stress reactions over our lifetime, and when we exceeded that number, our bodies would be overwhelmed and pack it in and die? The idea has a certain logic to it. Think of a car motor. After a certain number of piston thrusts, motors just wear out. It’s not all that big a leap to think that our bodies have a finite capacity as well–after so many heartbeats, so much wear and tear, our time would be up.

The second part of the theory is that each of us has a different capacity to withstand repeated stress–a set number of stress reactions programmed into our bodies. My number might be 281000, yours might be 308000, and so on

Finally, although we each have a finite number of stress reactions, no one knows our own quota. If we accept this theory, it would be smart to ask ourselves which situations warrant the expenditure of one of our precious stress reactions. Say the movie you’re going to is sold out.is that worth using up one of your stress reactions? If your preschooler spills his juice, does that warrant a stress reaction? The world starts to look different if we can choose what we allow to upset us. And that is exactly what we can do! (Pgs 40-41).

One additional bonus this book offers is simply the photo on the cover.  Scenic photos such as this one have been studied by psychologists and shown to have a positive effect on stress level (in that levels decrease).  No time to relax, reduce or become more resilient today?  Spend a few moments looking at this picture and practice your deep breathing. 

Several years ago I read something that forever changed the way I thought about stress.  It took a few more years but this very simple question has continued to have an impact on the way I deal with stress. 

David Posen is a Canadian physician who writes and speaks on the topic of stress and it’s effect on his patients.  The question he asked that had such an impact on me was “what if you only had a set number of stress responses, how would you use them?”.  Say you are allotted a specific number of times that you can tax your body through having a serious stress response before your body develops a serious problem, would you use one of those responses when your child spills juice on the new couch, when a tourist cuts you off on a morning you are running late, when your boss gives you an extra shift during the holidays?  The Little Book of Stress Relief  (I have misplaced my copy, or there would be an amazing quote here…now I need to re-read that organizing post…)

So now when something happens and I can feel my temperature rising, my heart starting to pound and the beads of sweat beginning to form, I try to take a minute and a breath and I ask myself “is this worth it”.  Of course you can choose to say YES and reel yourself right up tight, go for it.  But remember you get to choose whether you call out a five alarm fire or you go for a run, write in your journal or call a supportive friend.  Does it work every time?  Not for me, no way, but did it help?  In the immortal words of Sarah Palin…You betcha.  Give it a try see if it works for you.  With stress reduction and resiliency strategies…every little bit helps.

I had the pleasure of working for the Queen’s Learning Commons for the two months that covered midterms and exams this fall.  www.queensu.ca/qlc  I was “borrowed” from Queen’s counselling to help students get on top of procrastination, make realistic exam schedules, set and make plans for reaching goals and to deal with all of the inevitable stressors that go along with being a student. 

Many students lameted “it was so much easier in high school”.  When I asked “why” the answer was that their parents were around to make sure they were working.  In fact, this reason was used more often than the fact that the material is more advanced and compacted into a shorter period of time.  When a particular client is having trouble getting moving I often provide a very simple yet effective service.  While I don’t play the role of a parent, I do offer to help them be accountable to their immediate goal. 

For example, a client today said that she wanted to start studying for her exam, my favorite strategy for procrastination is hands down to “start now”.  Never never later.  Since she didn’t have her material with her, it meant that she would have to go home first (to a university residence) to get her things that she required to study.  A university residence is ripe with distractions and she feared that she wouldn’t return to the library to work.  I made a simple offer.  Would you like to be able to return to my office to have me witness that you have returned to study?  She said that she loved the idea and you should have seen her face when she knocked on my door at the agreed upon time.  She was glowing and thanked me profusely for the simple and easy service that I provided.  She was proud of herself and had started the journey that is required to break the spell of procrastination, building her confidence by keeping her promises to herself. 

Sometimes this strategy can sound patronizing, but it really works.  It is all in the presentation.  Is there someone who could  be your accountability check in?  Someone to whom you can say “I’m going to do this tomorrow and then I’m going to call you and tell you that its done”.  They are not there to lecture you if you don’t do it or to praise you if you do, they are there to simply be a witness to your success. 

Sometimes our pride or track record of broken promises keeps us from telling others about our goals.  Consider the people you know, is there someone who you could trust to help you be accountable to yourself?

Stress is by far the number one issue my coaching clients want to talk about.  We look at finding ways to reduce their stress and ways to find relief from their stress, but at some point I start a conversation about resiliency to stress.  This is a three point plan I really believe in and I started to develop after years of working as a counsellor with people dealing with debilitating anxiety.  The importance of resiliency is one of the reasons we have seen movements like meditation and yoga begin to thrive again.  The techniques common to both of these practices will increase your bodies ability to deal with stress and help teach you to engage the “heal and repair” system in your body, your para-sympathetic nervous system. 

Today’s question

If I KNOW that yoga or meditating will enhance my ability to deal with stress why don’t I make the time to fit it into my schedule? 

Your resiliency strengths come from self-motivated, self-managed efforts to develop resiliency skills.  Some people who hear or read about ways to become more resilient mistakenly think that the power lies in the recommended method.  The go through the steps in a detached way thinking that the technique will make things better.  Then then things don’t turn out well, they blame the technique for not working.  This is like tossing a can opener at a can of food and then blaming the can opener when the can doesn’t open.

Al Siebert from The Resiliency Advantage: Master Change, Thrive Under Pressure, and Bounce Back from Setbacks

In fact, many of us expect a strategy to work simply because we already know the strategy.  You are probably familiar with the belief that “doctors make the worst patients”?  This belief survives because those of us who have devoted our lives to helping others make changes are often pretty defensive about any failures to make our own.  But I already KNOW that strategy I can hear myself whine after a long day of work.  I have to remind myself that knowing isn’t the same as trying! At the same time, why do I hear Homer Simpson’s voice whining “but trying is the first step towards failure”!  O.k. moving on. 

The Challenge

Finding the time and the energy to make meaningful changes is a challenge.  If you have any doubts that other people have trouble reaching goals just wander around your local books store or check out self help best sellers on-line or flip through the reality television line up.  There is no secret formula that works across the board, try a variety of things and see which strategies are easiest, or the best fit for you.  You might have to try something several times to see if you can make it work. 

The Action

What strategy do you KNOW could work for you if only you would try it?  Why not try that strategy even in some small way today? 

The Commitment

What WILL you do?  Now write it down, tell someone, send it to me in an email, pay for it in advance, anything to help you make it happen.

Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings.  Jane Austin

I had some time to day dream while waiting for a friend who was routinely running late, because she had over committed her time, and it occured to me that I’m not as busy as other people.  I started to wonder if I was just lazy, but call it age, call it wisdom, or call it a delusion, I’m beginning to think that I’m kind of efficient.  O.K and maybe a bit lazy. 

But here is what I’ve noticed, I don’t run as many errands as most people and I’m also always on the lookout for ways to save time and energy.  For example. last year I noticed that I could order stamps on the internet and they would be mailed right to my door, so I ordered 100.  It might take me 10 years to use them all so luckily they are the new stamps that come with the promise that I can always use them even if the price of postage increases.  Now if you don’t consider the time that I will inveritably spend looking for those stamps each time I need to mail a birthday card, sympathy card, or some other item I can’t do on-line, I have saved myself a lot of time and trouble. 

Here is a great article about inspired ways to save time at airports.  http://travel.msn.com/Guides/article.aspx?cp-documentid=735251

Most of my clients are busy helping professionals with families or students who are juggling school and work, so when they ask for help with time managment, it is usually because they are dealing with serious symptoms that accompany being overworked and over extended.  One small strategy such as this one is not likely to have enough impact.  However, a collection of small strategies can really add up to offer you a few pockets of free time. 

1.  For at least 1 day (if all your days are basically the same), write down everything you do from the moment you wake up until the moment you go to bed.  Use your agenda, include making lunches (for kids, for yourself), doctors appointments, phone calls, keep track of time spent doing emails, sorting mail, paying bills, driving time. 

2.  Sit down with your notes and some markers, crayons, or whatever you can find, different colours work well.  Cross out everything that you think could be delegated or simply cut out of your day with one colour.  Circle everything you think is 100% necissary with another colour.  If there are items left circle them with another colour (these are the items you are not sure about, or perhaps don’t happen every day/week). 

3.  If you have not found things that you could cut out, combine, or delegate you may just be in a tight spot right now or you may need a little help being creative with your to do list.  If you are open to that, show your lists to a supportive friend or share it with your coach.  Some of my clients not only have a difficult time saying no but also jump in to say yes even before they are asked for help.  If this is you and you have as much free time as you like, great, but if this is you and you are always running late, feeling exhausted and resentful then why not give it a try?

If this got you thinking and you want more like this, then try out Cheryl Richardson’s book Take Time for Your Life

She was Oprah’s coach so she’s gotta know something right?

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor”.  Anne Lamott

Lucky 13 and a day where I look ahead at my week.  As I think back on the challenge I realize that the goal has not been perfection but knowledge.  An analysis of what works and what doesn’t, what went well and what could be improved upon.  A SWOT analysis if you like.  While Albert Humphrey may have developed this strategic planning method to help companies move forward it can be useful as we face the final days of our 21 day challenge.  Consider your goals and how you have endeavoured to achieve them.  Pull out your journal or open a new word document and answer these questions, loosely based on the system developed at Stanford University. 

Strengths - What are yours?  How have they been helpful as you tried to do something important?  How could you call upon them even more in the week to come?

Weaknesses - Where have you had difficulty?  Where have you stood in your own way?

Opportunities - What outside events, people, places have been helpful to you?  Are there external resources you could use more fully? 

Threats - What or who has stood in your way?  Are there people in your life who do not want you to achieve your goals?  Are there people or things who seem to sabotage your success?

As you look over your responses what stands out?  If you could choose one small way to move forward what would it be?  How could you use this information to get back on track, stay inspired or make even more progress toward your goal?

“Never too soon to panic”.  S.J. Hepworth

My friend Sheila gets the credit for one of my all time favorite quotes.  It always makes me laugh which is the best stress buster around but it also packs a powerful truth, our stress responses can be engaged pretty fast and they aren’t always helpful!  How you react when something goes wrong in your life can significantly affect your health.

Sooo, a mega giant computer software company bundles software with an item that you install.  Then it  crashes your whole system, disables your email and your ability to read, edit or open any documents with out resorting to a $700.00 software upgrade.  To make matters worse your adorable tech support guy is in China on business and the tiny person he leaves you in charge of, misses him so much she wakes at least an hour early all week and holds a moratorium on napping all together!  This is the kind of situation that usually shows off my superior “fly off the handle” skills.  Through the grace of some divine intervention I opted to shelve my ability to worry, rage and panic and the following surprisingly worked better! 

Take a breath

When you start to feel that familiar stress sensation, heat in the face, heart beat beginning to race, sweat and panic, your thoughts about the situation are engaging your sympathetic nervous system.  The system that protects you from danger (fight or flight).  When this system is engaged it’s as if all of your resources either power down to send more teamsters to the front lines, or rev up in order to deal with the danger.  Deep breathing engages your parasympathetic nervous system which calms the nerves and signals them to return to regular function.  Doing this gives you access to your higher level functioning, like you know, rational thought? 

Talk yourself down

Brainstorm possible solutions to your problem, even if you don’t think they will work or be effective.  When we panic nothing but running or freezing seem like viable options.  Use positive and confident language, “I can figure this out”.  “This seems really bad, but before I lose it, I’m going to see if it can be fixed”.  “Getting more stressed out is not going to help me get through this situation”. 

Seek help

Become a person who looks for someone to help rather than someone to blame.  Justice and punishment are actions that should be left to law enforcers.  Unless you absolutely have no other choice the stress response that goes along with say, seeking out the president of a multi billion dollar software company and suing him for your lost day of work and accompanying emotional distress is like winning more pie in a pie eating contest! 

So I’m back on line, thank you to my friend Chris who never seems to get freaked out when something technical goes wrong and he certainly doesn’t waste his time pointing fingers and assigning blame.  His calm, strategic, problem solving even made me forget I was mad.  Bill who? 

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for it to kill your enemy”.  Nelson Mandela