Thoughts, Essays and Fun from Life Inspired

On any given day my Inner Mean Girl can wax poetic about her favourite topic “the trouble with you is…” and you never really know what will set her off.  She has a P.hD in my faults and she knows how to hit where it hurts.

Is the secret to lasting happiness and success to banish her from existence?  If it were only that easy, I doubt I would have a job.  In my “now” 40 years I have begun to embrace her albeit bristly form of protection and consider that she means well, her delivery sucks, but in the end she is usually looking out for me.  What she doesn’t realize is that after the gawky teen years I didn’t care as much about looking like a fool and words like stupid and loser had lost some of their punch.  Don’t get me wrong she still has her ways!

All of my clients have Inner Mean Girls and Inner Mean Dudes/guys; some of us have a whole corporation of inner parts whose only role is to find fault and point it out at the worst possible times!  Many of them initially resist any effort to tame, befriend, reform or stop listening to this fierce inner critic as deep down inside they believe that without the military criticism they wouldn’t have it in them to be successful, or even get out of bed in the morning.  But what we must consider is that the very belief that without the critic we would be doomed to failure is usually just another mean inner voice.

When we listen to our intuition, or our deepest wisest self, it doesn’t honestly say things like “oh wow, your job is hard, you should quit and lie on the couch for 3 months and eat chips, gain 100 pounds, stop taking care of yourself and your family”.  But it might say “o.k. this job doesn’t seem to be getting better, in fact things are getting worse for you.  What do you need so that you can feel supported to find something that will work better?:  This inner voice is the good parent, not the abusive parent, not the toxic parent, but also, not the permissive parent.  The trouble is that many of my clients don’t have a reference for this good parent.  They may have had well meaning parents, but often they did not receive the guidance that they needed and part of our job is to create a powerful internal support system that can see them through the good, the bad and the ugly.

Have you ever come across a product or a book that made you wish so hard that you had thought of it yourself?  That is how I felt when I came across the inspired work of Christine Arylo and Amy Ahlers – master coaches & co-founders of Inner Mean Girl Reform School.

I was so touched by their work I signed up for their Inner Mean Girl Reform School 40 day cleanse.  The first call was lead by SARK and it was so cool.  If you are interested here is the link.  I’m so taken with this idea I might even become a Self love ambassador…o.k. I’m sure that isn’t as kinky as it sounds.

If you want to try it for yourself click here.  But if you do; I hope your inner mean girl enjoys her transformation into a top notch supporter; or her holiday to Alcatraz!

I have a big birthday approaching and it seems as though every day a very nice surprise comes as a result.  My mom and my aunt Linda arrived for a little backyard party and did an unbelievable makeover on my back yard.  My in laws arrived on Sunday and managed to help me tame and beautify a front garden jungle, is it unrealistic of me to have been hoping that a family of monkeys might have moved in?

Today a card arrived from my step mother and I read it and thought awww, to myself and then got ready to set it down somewhere.  But then I read it again, actually read it and now I thought I would pay some extra attention to the extra attention I’m getting (which sometimes makes me feel pretty shy) and let it really sink in.

The card says

Happy Birthday Robin

Thinking of you and feeling grateful you’re in the world…making it kinder, a little nicer and a lot more wonderful.

Awww, blush, thank you…thank you…thank you…

May you let something wonderful sink in today; accept a kind word, a gift, a thoughtful gesture and just accept it and say Thanks and know you deserve it!

Just when I think that I’ve heard the worst business advice from coaches who coach coaches, I hear one that makes my hair curl.   I’m not anti business, although trained as a counsellor I have a lot of interest in entreprenership and the principles of running a business that is congruent with my own values. I’m kind of a marketing geek, I find it fun but the people I work with need to market in a way that is really in line with who they are and what they believe.

From my perspective a lot of coaching coaches is about telling people what they want to hear; like quit your job, or raise your fees, or make a client make a committement on the phone, the list goes on….but today I was listening to a webinar and heard the WORST most unethical piece of advice I have ever heard given to an up and coming coaching professional.

A woman asked the well known coach if she could only afford to buy one of his products, because she had already spent ALL of her money and maxed out all but one credit card, should she buy the Coaching program (i.e. learning the skills of coaching) or should she buy the program about how to sell a client on her services.  He said to her, buy the product to learn how to sell someone on your services and then when you have his money learn how to be a coach!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you friggen kidding me?  Wow.  I mean I really liked my coaching program at Erickson College but never have I been so grateful for their ethical and comprehensive approach to working with clients.  Thank you to Marilyn and the gang for never forgetting that the work is about the client; their needs; wishes and desires; not about the coaches need for making more money in less time. www.erickson.edu

In the coming weeks and months Francoise (www.compassionfatigue.ca) and myself are going to put together more resources for people who want to run values based businesses.  There is no need to starve or not be paid well for the good work you do, but people, let’s not forget that this is supposed to be about THEM right? www.dreambigstartsmall.com

O.k. this is kind of a rant, but I hadn’t written for a while and was inspired today.

You know you are a gardener when...

I was at a friends house last week and while I waited for her to open the door I found myself weeding her front garden.  Now that might not sound so strange to you but I spent most of my life telling people that I had a black thumb, meaning that I could kill a plan just by looking at it.

Every time Francoise (www.compassionfatigue.ca) and I ran a workshop on Vicarious trauma, self care and burnout, when we got to the part where we had the group brainstorm ways to take good care of themselves at least half of the group would mention gardening.  Like a good facilitator I nodded and smiled and wrote it down, all the while thinking…WHAT??  How could anyone want to do that after a long day at work?

Finally after years of letting the lovely garden that came with my house (Francoise’s old house) fallow and grow into something that could only be seen in a story about Sleeping Beauty, I started with one 2×2 area to plant some herbs.  While I couldn’t garden, I did love to cook.  Wow, you would think I had invented a cure for world hunger by the way I could work that herb garden into almost every conversation.  Wow, that reminds me of last night when I was picking fresh basil from my herb garden.  Or did you know that planting mint near the house keeps ants away?

Seriously…so this year seeing the fruits of my labour last spring and fall burst their dear little heads from my weedy yet well mulched soil has me thinking.  Of course helping professionals love to garden, we can actually see the benefit of our hard work!  While there are set backs like virulent weeds, slugs, bugs, inclement weather, partial shade, squirrels, you can triumph and through back breaking hard work, sweat, luck and sometimes in the case of my roses, neglect, manage to see success and beauty in a way that sometimes doesn’t come through our work.

Thank you to all of you who for 10 years held up gardening as the dominant self care ritual.  And all along I thought it was a massage.  Until I realized that massage therapists love to talk to me about their own compassion fatigue, but that is another post.  The silence and beauty of my garden is a prayer and a blessing, thank you thank you thank you.

Hello from beautiful Charlottetown, PEI, a quick post for those of you who attended or tried to attend my workshop at the Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Associations 45th Annual Conference.  It was called Dreaming Big Starting Small; practical strategies for getting your private practice up and running.

I was thinking there would be about 15 of you, I made 30 handouts just in case and there were 50 of you at my last count.  Thank you for bearing the heat and for those of you who didn’t have a place to sit and didn’t get a hand out I want to make it up to you by providing you with the workbook.  There are two ways to get a copy of the workbook; send me an email robin@lifeinspired.ca or sign up for the newsletter at www.dreambigstartsmall.com and you will also receive other resources as we get them finished.

WE?  While not quite an official launch, I’m standing at a tiny table as the internet cable won’t reach the bed or a place to sit down; BUT I am thrilled to announce that I managed to talk my former business partner and private practice diva Francoise Mathieu into playing with me again.  We are putting together more resources for those of you who have been asking for help with your private practices or workshop businesses.  If  you are interested please see www.dreambigstartsmall.com.  Isn’t it time to get that dusty dream off the shelf!

Again thank you for attending yesterday I had a great time.  R

I happened to catch Dr. Jane Goodall on John Stewart.  She was talking about how to get the next generation interested in stewardship.  What an inspiration.  Check out her Roots and Shoots program.  www.rootsandshoots.org

Keeping yourself inspired and linked into good things happening around the world is good protection against occupational hazards like Compassion Fatigue, Vicarious Trauma and Cumulative Stress.  Those of us who work with people who have experienced terrible pain need to continually remind ourselves of the positive aspects of humanity and the resilience of the human spirit.

“I feel like I’m on auto pilot – unconsciously going through the motions of my work and my life”.

“I have nothing left to give when I come home to my family. I am always rushing, I am always falling short and I loose my temper so easily and then spend the rest of the night feeling guilty”.

“I want to start my own business but I’m so burnt out from my current work that I never make the time”.

“I used to love my job but now I keep getting caught up in negative office politics and feel like I’m lost in a toxic workplace”.

“I’ve lost confidence in my ability to help others and have lost hope in people’s ability to change”.

“I hate my job but feel trapped and too exhausted to try anything new”.

“How can I help others if I feel so lost myself”

If you recognize yourself in any of the statements above you may be suffering from complications of burnout, which are a result of unrelenting and continual stress. If you are in the helping professions you may have the added dimension of compassion fatigue and/or vicarious trauma.

We spend a great deal of our time at work. Once you include commuting time, and the proliferation of electronic means of contact, such as blackberry’s, pagers, cell phones, email, we rarely “turn off” our work mode and consequently have much less down time.

Speaking of down time, we even work while on vacation. While the numbers vary, as many as 1 in 2 workers check their work voice mail and email while on vacation. Lay offs, downsizing, fewer federal dollars, all add up to more work being done by fewer people. Nearly 1 in 3 Canadians have reported most workdays to be “quite” or “extremely stressful”. MOST workdays! So what does that mean?

Work related stress, career strain, work/life imbalance, compassion fatigue, occupational hazards, occupational pressures, vicarious trauma, burnout; no matter what you call it there are serious side effects if left untreated. Chronic stress leads to physical, emotional and psychological symptoms. (See Coaching page for a list of symptoms).

I work with my clients to reduce current stress inputs, to implement realistic stress relief strategies and to enhance their stress resiliency in order to make them more resistant to future occurrences of burnout.

The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it. ~Attributed to both Jim Goodwin and Sydney J. Harris

My family on Long Beach, BC

Have you heard the saying “A change is as good as a rest?”.  This weekend I found that to be totally true.  We spent a lovely night in Peterborough, Ontario.  Our daughter was able to spend the night with her grandparents which is pretty much akin to a spa visit for her, she comes back clean, well rested and happy, and we had a glorious night out, enjoying great food, fine wine and 54-40.  Yes you got it, come on, you remember, “Every time I look at you I go blind”.

If I could have tweeted and added a picture you would have seen yours truly dancing on stage like it was 1992!  Seriously, it was too much fun, but sadly it isn’t 1992, so that meant we made it back to our lovely bed and breakfast in time to fall asleep in front of Saturday night live, the shame!

Even one night away, walking unfamiliar city blocks, enjoying new restaurants and sleeping in a new place (and of course not walking up early to the demands of an enthusiastic toddler, was a very restorative experience.

Highlights:

The 2004 Rioja and the tapas at Elements on King

The catfish at Hot Belly Mama’s on George street

All the seeing and being seen at Kubo Lounge (and I got to try a Lebanese red, very nice)

The King Bethune Guest House and Spa

Throw in a free zoo, complete with great play areas, splash park and monkeys and I’m thinking this city at the base of the Kawartha’s is a total gem.

The term balance is getting a lot of play these days.  Attaining the perfect balance has practically become an Olympic event and about as attainable too.  I remember a time when you could admit you were stressed and people would be sympathetic, now I find that there is a subtle or not too subtle lecture that emerges, “you’re doing too much” or “you need to find better balance”.  So what’s the deal?

It is April and at the University and to put it mildly it’s a big month, it is not the time of the year when I recommend “striking a healthy balance” to my clients.  They are job seeking, saying goodbye to friends, dealing with family pressures, completing huge projects and trying to prepare for exams.  My motto for April is “Eat, Sleep, Breath”  (Thank you to Brenda M for this life line).

Balance is a relationship between our lives and our health, in order for the relationship to be healthy and fulfilling, it needs attention and respect but can not require constant nurturing.  Hey, if you can do that, excellent, but for most of us it just isn’t practical to tell a child that this is not her week to get sick. So how can we attract a better balance?  Here are a few ideas.

1.  Do your best.  What absolutely needs to be attended to today, this week, this month? Prioritize one personal goal, make it small and manageable.  (10 minute walk 3 times this week, buy a bag of apples and eat one every day on the way to work, say no to one thing that you don’t want to do, read one chapter of a book you have been eager to read). [click to continue...]